The Weekly Digimon Report
by PhoenixFire Lia
Summary: It's not chaptered, okay! It's just a little news show regarding the episodes that were just on...in between Luchador garbage.
1. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

Keeping you up to speed. 

_We interrupt this…fascinating (as if) episode of Spiderman Unlimited to bring you this special report. _

"Good day. I'm Lia Agianna, and this is the Weekly Digimon Report. Hopefully, if I don't get lazy like I did with my Episode MST and Love Has No Boundaries series (sorry, I've been busy! I'll get to it!) this will air every weekend in which new episodes are featured. We, the Digidestined, have, _temporarily borrowed _the TV studio to bring this to you live. (A chair falls over and a light bulb breaks. Joe can be heard shouting.) Now, let us begin with an episode rewind. Our resident genius-in-training, Ken Ichijouji, will give us a quick briefing of what happened these past three episodes. Ken?" Lia turns in her cushy revolving chair and faces Ken, who's sitting behind another desk. 

"Thanks, Lia. Basically, _Archnemon_ is starting to retaliate against us and talk to herself…and is stalking me worse than Jun Motomiya does to Matt. Davis and I got Stingmon and Exveemon to _jogress digivolve _to Paildramon and we got hung up over it the entire time, and we all walked into a huge trap. Brief appearances made by Izzy."

"Thank you, Ken. Now, let's go to our roving reporter Nicki Sjolin with an exclusive interview with our very first evil _villainess, _Archnemon. Nicki, what's up?"

"Hey Lia! I'm here with Archnemon, the first evil villainess ever to appear on Digimon. Archnemon, other than the fact that you're trying to kill us all and it's very apparent and we all hate your guts, anything you'd like to share with the audience at home?"

"Well, yes, actually. Other than the fact that the American Digimon producers found a decent voice actor to play me, they've totally ruined my character! What is with this Arukenimon (sp?) crap?! I'm Archnemon, I always was Archnemon, and I'll always be Archnemon! It's in my contract! And another thing, why am I always seen talking to myself? It makes me look like Piedmon! At least I don't do as many cheap clichés and trite expressions. Plus…I have a cell phone and they don't. Pity, I was hoping my good friend and partner Mummymon would show up this weekend, but we'll just have to wait, won't we?"

"Um, yeah, sure. Well, um, this is Nicki Sjolin, live with Archnemon. Back to you in the studio."

"Willis! Make a note to never interview the villains again!" Lia yelled to Willis backstage, who was busy keeping the digimon under control. "Okay, we're back. Now that we've heard from Archnemon, we have an important sports update to bring you. When we last reported, the Digi-Bowl was tied. Taichi Kamiya is here to give us the final results on that horrendous Luchadores plugged mockery of fine anime. Tai?"

"SEASON ONE! SEASON ONE! Oh, it's a good day to be an original Digidestined. That's all I have to say other than Omnimon? I thought it was Omegamon?! And why do we keep putting in movie plugs if some of our audience never saw the movie?" Tai hollered, waving a little banner. 

"Thanks, Tai. There you have it, Season One is better than Season Two. Now, for our final report of the day, we head to my, um, Willis, what did we categorize him as?"

"I don't know! Um, analyst. Just say he's an analyst!" Willis cried from backstage.

"Right. Our episode _analyst, _the one and only Yamato Ishida, for any loose ends that need to be cleared up. Matt?"

"Hey Lia. Look, this new evil villain squad is a cool thing and all, but why is it that we older kids get left out of all the action? And even when one of us is around, it's _always _Izzy and he's _always _being big brother! Why is it that Joe, Sora and I have to wait five, ten episodes before we get to show up again? What, just because our digimon can't be ultimate level we can't do anything any more? And didn't Gatomon digivolve to Angewomon in "His Master's Voice?" Looks like a big huge plot hole to me. And what is with all this digimon name messing? Veemon is supposed to devolve to Chibimon, and then Chikomon! And it's _jogress _digivolving, not DNA! They are soooo ruining our show! Nimoy and Buchholz are responsible for it all! Sure, some of you may think they have nothing to do with the way we're presented, that it's the Japanese script writers that mess with us, but if you've seen some of the raw Japanese versions and compared them to their English counterparts, then you'd realize that everything we say in America and probably elsewhere is tampered with and watered down for young audiences! They're manipulating us worse than any evil villain could and I'm sick and tired of being humiliated!" Matt slammed his fist down on his own desk. "And another thing, I'M NOT A LOBO FUERTE WANNABE, SO STOP WITH THE COMMENTS!" 

"Matt, take a chill pill! You've got to calm…wait, this is a ranting portion! I need to vent!" Mimi cried, shoving Matt over and sitting in front of the camera. "What was with that hat? I looked totally ridiculous! There is no fashion sense anywhere in this show! Izzy doesn't know color coordination, Sora wears white after Labor Day, and you've totally ruined fashion for the younger kids! I'm supposed to set the example! At least Matt and Joe have _some _decency to their wardrobes! AUGH!"

"Well, that was the, um, episode analysis. Before we close for the afternoon, get lunch and go pester a certain evil spider lady, let me just make this one last statement. I had a little of Los Luchadores on, and let me tell you, it is the worst piece of trash I have ever seen. It makes me sick to think that we were sponsored by a forty-year-old man in spandex with a terrible accent. Next week, Izzy, Joe and the rest of the neglected cast will get to put a spin on things…unless I have to go out, or I forget, or I have a date with a certain screaming blonde, or I get sucked into an alternate dimension where plot holes run rampant. This has been Lia Agianna with your Weekly Digimon Report. Thank you, and good day."

At this point Nimoy and Buchholz come running out, brandishing the Evil Dubber Scripts of Doom. The Digidestined, digimon, and various assorted villains screamed and took off. 

"You'll never get away with this!"

"You meddling kids and your digimon will pay!"

"We won't let you have free speech or songs that play for more than twenty seconds and we will ruin all chances for romance and violence and interesting names!"

"And don't think just because you have an author and an author's friend formerly of Team Rocket but now a permanent Digidestined with a sugar high cat-like digimon that you can get away with this!"

"OH SHUT UP!" the cast cried. 

~*~

Tune in next week to see if Nimoy and Buchholz shut down the Weekly Digimon Report on…………….The Weekly Digimon Report, with Lia Agianna! NOW REVIEW OR YOU'LL BE SENT LOBO FUERTE! GO! NOW! 

_This has been a special announcement. We now return you to Spiderman Unlimited, already in progress. _


	2. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

I never said it had to be good news.

Once again, we interrupt Spiderman Unlimited (not that you're watching it) to bring you this special announcement. 

Lia can be seen sitting behind her desk with her feet propped up, reading a Sailor Moon Super. Willis, holding his clipboard and trying to keep his wallet out of Terriermon's reach, coughs and motions towards the camera.

"Oh, we're on? Hello, I'm Lia Agianna and this is the second edition of the Weekly Digimon Report. Thankfully, with the help of Paildramon, we were able to keep Nimoy and Buchholz at bay for at least this episode. So let's get started. This weekend there were only two new episodes, but they were good enough anyway. Let's get an episode review from Joe and make this snappy so I can get back to my manga. Joe, what's up Doc?"

Joe frowned at the comment, drumming his fingers on his desk. 

"You're not funny, Lia. All right. Archnemon, also called Arukenimon, continued to drive everyone mental with her flute playing. The others were able to stop her musical onslaught, but she revealed her true digimon form and got wailed on. Mummymon bailed her out, being a mushy muffin, and they escaped in their yellow jeep, only to come back in the next episode and build Black Wargreymon. Cody fought with Ken, who Yolei slapped, and T.K. made jokes about his brother behind his back. Lia?"

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Lia screamed, getting out of her chair and smacking T.K. around. "YOU LITTLE BRAT! HOW DARE YOU! AFTER EVERYTHING HE'S DONE FOR YOU! I'LL TEACH YOU!!!"

"Lia! Give it a rest and get on with this!" Willis shouted. 

"Sorry. Ahem." She went back to her desk, and T.K. headed off for a hospital. "Okay. Now we're going to our field reporter, Nicki, with an in-depth discussion with…Mummymon?! I thought we weren't doing any more villain interviews!"

"It's what the fans want."

"Hi there Lia, I'm here with Mummymon, our newest evil ultimate. Mummymon, any philosophies you'd like to impart upon our audience?" Nicki asked morosely. 

"Just that I'd like to say hi to my little snugglebunny Archnemon. She's the light of my life and the destruction of the Digital World. And that I'd like to thank the American people for giving me a somewhat decent voice. I sound a tad like Phantomon, but who's to argue?"

"Yeah. Mummymon, one quick question I'm sure the audience at home is dying to know. Where did you guys get that Jeep?"

"It's a company car, I think. Anyway, get out of here, you lousy Digidestined before I have to blow you sky high!"

"Be glad to. Well, that was your in-depth interview with Mummymon. Back to you in the studio."

"IF YOU EVER MAKE ANY NEGATIVE COMMENTS ABOUT HIM AGAIN I'LL SHOVE THAT STUPID HAT OF YOURS UP YOUR…oh, heheh, well, now I'd like to go over to Izzy, who did a little review on the Digimon website. Izzy, give us the straight story, and not in technical jargon, please?"

"Well, Lia, I'm highly disappointed in this site, but it's off Foxkids.com so you can't expect too much. The graphics are terrible and everything has the overall quality of being done by six-year-olds. But what really disturbs me is the character descriptions. According to the website, Joe is a twelfth grader, and Mimi is in the tenth grade? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but that would mean Joe is eighteen, which would have made him fourteen last season. And according to my calculations, last season Tai, Matt, and Sora were eleven, Mimi and I were ten, T.K. and Kari were eight, and Joe was twelve. So there. As of this season, Tai, Matt and Sora are fifteen, Mimi and I are fourteen, T.K and Kari are twelve and Joe is sixteen. Take that, Nimoy. Back to you, Lia."

"Great, Izzy. And to close everything up today, Sora Takenouchi with our episode analysis. Go ahead and give us your opinion, Sora."

"Right. This weekend's episodes were pretty good, considering the mess with the names. We've already determined that Arukenimon is an incredibly lame Americanized name for a very powerful digimon. But during that whole 'rag on Matt' scenario Yolei called his band 'Teenage Wolves.' Two weeks ago it was 'Young Wolves.' Are we having an identity crisis? Mummymon was cool for a villain, and I liked the way they did his personality, he's a really needed comic relief. Cody and Ken's antics were somewhat unnecessary and I'm sure Ken fans everywhere were appalled to see Yolei smack him. But if the kids needed the help so much, couldn't they have contacted us? I bet Matt and Tai could have made short work out of Black Wargreymon, not to mention me and the rest of the gang. And the younger kids got filthy and kept passing out. You didn't see too much of that in our day. Then again, you didn't see the Digidestined wanting to simply lock up the evil villains either. It's called defeating them, people? Ever hear of it?" 

"Nice job, Sora. One more thing?"

"Yeah?"

"What's the deal with you and Matt? Episode 38 has everybody talking and…"

"As long as you're around, Matt's off limits, I get it. But I have a feeling there's going to be a little chemistry between he and I on the show. Will that be a problem?"

"No, it's cool with me. As long as my mother doesn't buy me that Matt throw pillow I'm all set."

"What throw pillow?" Matt asked, coming on set. 

Lia blushed and picked up her manga. "Nothing, Yama-chan. This has been Lia Agianna with the Weekly Digimon Report. Tune in next week for more up-to-date coverage of all the new episodes. Thank you, good day, review."

"Yeah, or else Archnemon will get Mummymon to drive the Jeep over you," Matt added. "Was she trying to drown herself in the tub?"

Lia shrugged. "I don't know. Let's just close up and go home, I'm tired and my voice is still screwed up."

"Maybe Nimoy got to you."

"Not funny."

Meanwhile, in Dubber HQ…

"We have to stop that show from continuing, Bob."

"I know, Jeff. We're working on it, Jeff."

"Don't fail me, Bob. Or else, Bob."

"It won't happen, Jeff."

~*~


	3. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

Pirating the Airwaves Every Saturday

_We interrupt Spiderman Unlimited (if anyone cares) to bring you this special report. _

_ _

As usual, Lia's sitting behind her desk on the Digimon set. She has her feet propped up, reading her Sailor Moon Super again. But this time she's accompanied by her "God-Forsaken Nimoy-ish Matt Ishida Throw Pillow" and she's got headphones on…listening to "Walk on the Edge." 

"LIA! WE NEED YOUR HELP! LIA!" Davis is heard hollering outside. Lia is totally oblivious to the matter. 

"LIA! CAN YOU SHEND THE OTHERSH OUT PLEASHE? THISH ISH AN EMERGENCHY!" Veemon adds. 

"Hey! We're on!" Willis cries. 

"Oh! Hello, this is Lia Agianna with another addition of the Weekly Digimon Report, the Digidestined-produced news show keeping you the reader up to date. Before we start the show, I'd like to, one, get some Dayquil for my cold, and two, say **thank you Sandrilene for your continual faith! You're a true friend, Sandry! **Okay, moving right along, another two new episodes aired this weekend, and I have to say, they were…interesting. Here for an episode review is our own member of the Psychic Hotline, Kari Kamiya. Go ahead and give us the scoop, Kari."

"Um, Lia, I think Davis and Veemon are in trouble. Maybe this isn't a good time."

"Nonsense. We're committed to doing this show. Davis can wait. Besides, it's probably another scheme to get you to break up with T.K."

"Yeah, maybe you're right. Anyway, we all went hunting for Gatomon's tail ring and Yolei, Ken and I ended up back on the beach in the World of Darkness. Ken and I screamed a lot, people were slapping each other all over the place, and Gatomon and Aquilamon DNA digivolved to Silphymon. Meanwhile Black Wargreymon was still on the rampage. Then in the next episode everyone got hung up over something called the Destiny Stone. We tried stopping Archnemon and her minions, but they were too strong and we got pummeled, the Destiny Stone was shattered! Appearances made by Tentomon and Agumon, and Jun got into a huff about a zit and started wailing about Matt."

"SHE CAN'T HAVE HIM! SHE CAN'T HAVE HIM! SHE CAN'T HAVE HIM!" Lia starts screaming, going totally evil. 

"Lia! Give it a rest!" Wizardmon shouts, looking up from his Harry Potter book. 

"I know, but… anyway, Nicki's outside interviewing…"

Nicki's image pops up prematurely on a video screen. "Not another evil villain! I won't do it! You can't make me!"

"No, you're interviewing Yolei and Silphymon."

"What?! I can't _stand _Yolei! She's always trying to take my Izzy away!"

"Do it or I unleash my awesome powers of author-ness on Izzy."

"Grrr…fine." Nicki turns, revealing Yolei and Silphymon. Davis and Veemon are being dragged off in the background by Jeff Nimoy and Bob Buchholz. 

"I'm here with Yolei Inoue and her jogress digivolved thingy Silphymon. Anything you'd like to say to the audience, Yolei?" Nicki asks in a monotone. 

"I'd just like to thank Izzy for always being there and for rebooting my hard drive."

"Izzy's mine," Nicki hisses under her breath. 

"Is not. You're not even a real character," Yolei hisses back. 

"I can be if I want to be, you purple-haired Mimi ditz with the IQ of a pebble, but that's an insult on the pebble's part."

"Ahem!" Silphymon shouts. "I'd like to thank Kari and Yolei for giving us the power to jogress in the first place. I'd also like to say that even though I'm a bird-cat-person thingy with a messed voice, that date is still on, Wizardmon, so don't even think about backing out of it. I just have to devolve and digivolve back from Salamon!"

"Dammit," Wizardmon groans under his breath. Nicki and Yolei are still squabbling. 

"Well, thanks anyway, Nicki. And now we'll go to T.K. for…" a piece of memo paper is brought in by Patamon. "Cool, thanks Batpig."

"No one reveals my secret identity!" Patamon howls. 

"Yeah, sure. This just in…oh, it's for Matt. Hey Yama! You have a memo here!"

Fan girls start shrieking and making futile attempts to bypass the digimon bodyguard squad of dead good guys who are still dead. (Leomon, Piximon, etc.) 

"Thanks Lia…" Lia starts blushing. "Anyway guys, according to Megchan.com and their message boards, episode 38 is not only the major Sorato hint episode, but it also involves another concert by my band-"

"LOBO FUERTE AND THE LUCHADORES!" Tai shouts offstage. 

"WOULD YOU STOP WITH THE LUCHADOR JOKES?" Matt retaliates. "Yeah, so we sing again. I'd also like to state that the other band members _have real names. _Now, we don't know which is which, but they are Akira, Yutaka, and Takashi. So no more Melville, Lia."

"Shimatta. Thanks for the update, Yama-chan."

"Anytime, Lia."

"All right, enough love mush, get to wrapping this up so I can go get my hair done!" Mimi shrieks offstage. 

"Yes, High-and-Mighty. T.K., episode analysis time, Gilligan!"

"I didn't do much of anything these past two episodes. However, there were more bizarre coupling innuendos than ever. You've got Ken and Kari, Ken and Yolei, Yolei and Kari, Yolei and Davis, and my personal favorite, Kari and myself. Why can't we ever just make up our minds about this sort of thing and get it over with? And how come I didn't get to kiss Kari? I can be worried but I can't kiss her? And why was everyone slapping everyone else? The violence on this show has more than doubled since last season. And Silphymon's voice is the scariest thing I've ever heard, not to mention in Japan the Y and I are in the opposite positions, making it Sylphimon. And Black Wargreymon has got this serious Mewtwo complex (pokémon, run!). And what was Agumon doing talking about friendship? That's my brother's department, and Gabumon's too. And why can't Jun just leave Matt alone! He's not interested, although it's a riot to watch him squirm like that. And what is the point of Destiny Stones and why does MagnaAngemon get to come back next week and why don't I get to be the leader?" 

"Wow, the kid's got issues. This has been Lia Agianna for the Weekly Digimon Report. Next weekend's all new, so get ready for another addition. Hey, has anyone seen Davis and Veemon?"

~*~

In Evil English Dubber Headquarters…

"Why did you kidnap me? Couldn't you take Lia? She's the one who organized all this! Besides, she's an Author! And nobody's going to miss me if I'm not around…except maybe Ken cuz he's so cute and mysterious and…"

"Quiet, infidel!"

"Nobody talksh to Davish like that! When I get outta here I'll show you the true meaning of the word pain! You'll shee!" Veemon adds. 

"We kidnapped you two because we know you have the biggest mouths and we can get all the information we need out of you!" Bob hollers. 

"Besides, we hate you because you're Tai Kamiya wannabes!" Jeff adds, then motions for Bob to follow him into the next room. 

"So, Bob, the Author planned all this, Bob."

"Yes, Jeff, what are we going to do about her, Jeff?"

"She seems to be attracted to the one called Matt, Bob."

"I'll see what I can do, Jeff. But what about her friend, Jeff? The Nicki girl, Jeff?"

"We'll deal with her too, Bob. The Digidestined will be under our control, Bob. We can't have them showing any signs of personality or divergence from stereotypes, Bob."

"You're so right, Jeff. What should we do about the loudmouth, Jeff?"

"Put him and the digimon somewhere safe, Bob. Like with the NASCAR racers, Bob. They'll watch him, Bob."

"Right, Jeff. Can do, Jeff."

_Those girls better watch out. Nobody toys with Jeff Nimoy. Nobody. _

~*~

Will the Digidestined stop Jeff Nimoy and Bob Buchholz? Will they continue doing news reports for readers around the world? Will anyone care that Davis and Veemon are missing (probably not)? Find out on the next edition of The Weekly Digimon Report, with Lia Agianna! 

**NOW REVIEW! GO! **


	4. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

Annoying Nimoy Since 1999

While the hotties of the Digital World set up the soundstage…basically Tai giving orders and everyone following them…the girls were off doing makeup and wardrobe. Lia was sitting in her dressing room, with a bowl of Ramen noodles and her manga, in her usual Saturday morning outfit-jeans, a sweater, and socks (no shoes!). As she fiddled around with the fifty thousand brushes Mimi left on her dressing room table, a knock came to her door. 

"Skip the formalities, what's up?"

Ken stuck his head in, a concerned look in his blue-violet eyes. "Willis says you've got five minutes…and Lia?"

"Yeah?"

"You're sure you haven't seen Davis since last week's report? I'm really getting worried that something bad happened to him."

"Eh, I'm betting something bad _did _happen, but if we go chase after him now that'll ruin the whole plot for the other reports…other than this news show. Don't worry, Ken-chan, we'll get Davis back soon. We need his madcap antics and yaoi-ness, otherwise the rest of the cast is straight as an arrow and just as sharp."

"Really? Gee, thanks."

"Anytime. Now get back to the sound booth before Izzy throws a fit and sics Kabuterimon on you."

No sooner did Ken leave when Shadowmon walked through the wall, a la Shadowcat of the X-Men. 

"Lia, have you seen Nicki?"

"Not recently, why?"

"I can't find her and she owes me a pizza for not tearing up the furniture cuz ya know we live in that apartment all by ourselves cuz Nicki's an orphan and her foster daddy Kal is a complete loser and he lives in Nerima and she's not on the Pokémon payroll anymore except for syndicated episodes and furniture's expensive and…"

"All right, all right. Sheesh, Digidestined are disappearing faster than Siegfried and Roy's careers. Well, we don't have any interviews lined up for her for this weekend, so that's all set. Nose around the FOX exec's building; see what you can dig up, then report back after the report. All right?"

"Okay! Thanks, Lia, you're better at giving advice than Giles is to Buffy!"

Lia rolled her eyes as the little kitten digimon scampered off. "We've gotta cut back her TV time."

~*~

"Hello, I'm Lia Agianna…"

Matt coughed loudly offstage. 

"What? Oh. Go ahead, just don't let any of your girl fans interrupt."

"Thank you." Matt came onstage and pulled up a chair. "And I'm Matt Ishida, and welcome to Week Four of the Weekly Digimon Report."

"Technically there were five episodes of Digimon this weekend, but three happened to be reruns, one being last week's 10:30 episode, and the other two are 01 leftovers."

"But who really gives a damn about chibi Digidestined battling Venommyotismon and his talking crotch?"

"So, let's get right to the episode recap with our very own Digimon of Courage, the king of the merchandise, Agumon."

Matt leaned over in his chair. "Why Agumon?" he muttered. 

"Because we ran out of kids and Davis is still missing," Lia whispered back. Matt nodded.

"Thanks Lia and Matt. Well, this weekend was a very busy one for the new Digidestined. First, Yolei went to Kyoto for a school field trip, leaving the team short one member, but that didn't stop Archnemon, Mummymon and Black Wargreymon from trying to blow up more Destiny Stones, which they did. Black Wargreymon and a few flunkeys showed up in Kyoto, putting Yolei in an awkward position. Fortunately Ken, Stingmon, and Poromon were there to bail her out. In episode two of the day, the Destiny Stones continued to explode, and a chained up dragonish thing kept appearing in the sky. The Digidestined did their best to try and stop the thus far unbeatable team of villains, but it wasn't enough. T.K. was acting weird and freaking out Cody, and it makes you wonder what's going to happen when they jogress digivolve together. Several brief appearances made by Izzy, appearances made by Jim Kido and Mr. Takenouchi, Gabumon, and MagnaAngemon. Flashbacks of the 01 cast were also included."

"Thanks, Agumon. We really don't have too much for interview lined up for these episodes, nobody new or drastically important showed up this weekend…" Lia stated. 

"Hey Sora!" Shadowmon called offstage. 

"Yes?" Sora asked in her polite, wet-paper-bag tone of voice as she stood with Mimi and Yolei by the water cooler. 

"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!"

"Ahem. Yeah. And there wasn't too much in the line of discussion elsewhere, although rumors have been confirmed about the dating status of two of the 01 cast…"

"Lia, don't…"

"According to Toei, megchan.com and digidestination.com/mirror/claymore.htm and the video clips there, Matt is officially dating Miss Sora Takenouchi. So Sorato advocates, break out the confetti, and everybody else, I'm just reporting, I'm not saying run right out and convert. Now, let's head over to Gabumon for an in-depth analysis of this week's episodes. Gabumon?"

Before Gabumon could even start, the fangirls surrounding the FOX building started shrieking and howling and sobbing. Matt groaned and ducked under the table. Leomon and Piximon could be heard outside doing their usual bodyguard business. 

"Okay, now that that's taken care of…" Gabumon sighed. "Well, there isn't a lot to analyze this weekend. The episodes were really good. The part with Izzy and Ken was a little dry, and over here they can't stand each other and are in constant rivalry, but that's a different story. Jim and Mr. Takenouchi were a great set of characters, and it finally ties up a few loose ends from the first season. As for the other episode, T.K. keeps having the same flashback of the Devimon fight and it's getting a little annoying. And when I showed up, heheh, well, I'm pretty sure a lot of folks out there were hoping for an appearance by a certain co-anchor rock star girl magnet. But having MagnaAngemon appear was something else, and for once Silphymon's voice wasn't Aquilamon dominated like it was last week. It'll be interesting to see what happens when Angemon and Ankylomon jogress, which will most likely be next week (Lia hasn't seen any commercials yet so she's not making promises!)."

"Thanks, Gabumon. Well, that about wraps up this week. Don't forget, only two weeks until Christmas…well, the Christmas episode anyway. I'm Lia Agianna…"

"And I'm Matt Ishida…"

"And this has been the Weekly Digimon Report. Matt, you're not going to be my permanent co-anchor!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's my show! You're supposed to hang out backstage with Tai and the others in case Nimoy and Buchholz show up, or Archnemon and Mummymon run Palmon over, or something explodes!"

"Sorry, I thought it would help."

"It was a sweet gesture, though. Now, Willis, get Galgomon and secure the east side! Ken, you and Stingmon get the west wing! Yolei, Kari, and Silphymon to the north end, and Cody and Ankylomon to the south side! This building needs better security! The rest of you, get out there and find Nicki and Davis, that's an order!"

"LIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Shadowmon came bolting in, half skidding on the tile floor. "Nimoy…and…Buchholz…got them. They're…planning on…shutting down…the show…and shipping you to…Johto…or…Dragonball…or Ranma…for…insubordination!" she panted. 

"This is bad, this is bad, this is bad," Joe muttered. 

"All right, Digidestined, we're not letting some grown man who's Tentomon in disguise and his flunkey take Lia and whatever out-of-character personalities we have! Ready to fight?" Tai (you guessed it) shouted. 

"RIGHT!"

"And we're keeping the news show up!" Mimi added. 

"RIGHT!"

"And we're all getting really big bonuses on payday!" T.K. suggested. 

"RIGHT!"

"Hear that, Jeffy? You can take away our characters, you can take away our digivices, but you can never take OUR FREEDOM!" Lia cried. 

~*~

"They're planning an uprising, Jeff."

"Is the girl secure, Bob?"

"She's with the loudmouths, Jeff. Are we going to crush their spirits, Jeff?"

"Of course, Bob. The Sorato was the first blow, Bob. This is just the start of the battle, Bob. We're in for a long war, Bob."

"I'll build a bomb shelter in the backyard, Jeff. And get the Ovaltine, Jeff."

"Just make sure the prisoners are secure, Bob. We'll stop them, Bob. One news show at a time, Bob."

~*~

**Questions, questions, and more questions that possibly get solved on the next Weekly Digimon Report with Lia Agianna! Do I have to threaten to make you people review or will you just do it? **


	5. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

Now made with 100% real digimon!

The studio has gone from looking like a professional newsroom to a battlefield. Shells and artillery are everywhere, the Astroturf is torn up, shouts and dog tags mingle with the whistle of missiles. There's a field tent set up in the corner where Joe is hard at work removing the shrapnel of broken clip edits from brave soldiers. Lia is sitting on the ground behind a bunker of sand bags where her desk should be, wearing military fatigues and a helmet. 

"This is week five of the Weekly Digimon Report, and I'm Lia Agianna. As you can see, we're in the middle of a war between us, the cast, and the American executive staff. DUCK AND COVER, TROOPS! While the rest of the Digidestined are in the battlefield trying to reclaim our POW's I'm here doing the show…by myself…and being Commander of the Digidestined Corps. FALL BACK, TAICHI, FALL BACK! Fortunately, there was only one new episode this weekend, so let's get right down to business."

Lia paused long enough to pull the pin from a grenade and lob it down a hallway, ducking as the explosion rocked the studio. "Okay, Black Wargreymon has only two more Destiny Stones to go, so things are getting pretty hectic. Cody's still scared out of his wits of T.K. and Davis has a sleepover with Ken. Of course, Cody goes to the one person capable of giving him answers straight…FIRE THOSE MISSILES! Cody gets the big picture just in time to go help guard a Destiny Stone. He stood down Black Wargreymon on his own but it wasn't enough and Angemon barely got him away before Black Wargreymon blew up the stone. Brief appearance by Ikkakumon, and special guest appearance by YAMATO!!!!!"

At this point, Matt, wearing army fatigues (^_^) came running up to the bunker and saluted. 

"Report, general!" Lia barked. 

"Ma'am, yes Ma'am!" 

"At ease, soldier."

"Yes, Ma'am! We just captured a spy for the enemy outside the base. Request permission to bring him in for interrogation, Ma'am!"

"Permission granted, general. Let me finish up the news report and have the privates bring him here."

"Yes Ma'am!"

"Dismissed!"

"All right, now for a quick little analysis. SEND IN THE KAMIKAZE DIGIMON SQUAD, THAT'S AN ORDER! Seeing some Kensuke moments was perfectly cute, Black Wargreymon is getting on my nerves, and hearing T.K. do the same flashback narrative over and over is driving me insane. There wasn't enough Matt, dammit!! And how come he was wearing the same stupid uniform and why was the animation so poor today? He looked goofy! And will Christmas ever come?! And why the hell have we dropped back to only one episode a week? SOMEBODY GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS!"

T.K. and Ken both in (you guessed it) army fatigues, dragged a kid over to the bunker, Matt joining them after ducking out of the hospital tent. 

"Here's the spy we captured, Ma'am. We found him sneaking around the back entrance," Ken reported. 

"Good work, private. I'll question him myself. Return to your posts."

"Yes, Ma'am!"

T.K. and Ken marched out, muttering about "stupid Nimoy war."

"As for you, general," Lia flicked her eyes up at Matt from under her helmet before standing. "Get the Air Force into fighter formation and have the ground troops advance. We won't rest until those POW's are back here pestering the ever-loving kuso out of us."

"Yes Ma'am."

"And Matt?" She kissed his cheek lightly. "Be careful, all right?"

"Don't worry about me."

Lia then turned to the spy, who was glowering at her. 

"Sean, alias Pokezack. My old nemesis. I should have known it was you nosing around here. Why are you working for Nimoy and Buchholz?"

"Because they couldn't get Hannibal Lecter?" he asked coyly. 

"You will answer me or I'll pump you full of lead, you lecherous bastard!"

"They said if I could capture you I could take you to Survivor Island…er, Outback, put you through ten pages of torment and kill you just out of spite. What author could resist that?"

"ONE THAT DIDN'T GET HIT BY A MINIVAN! Now, what are they planning on doing with my troops?"

"Do you think they'd tell me?"

"PRIVATE!" Kari came running, and saluted. 

"Ma'am, yes Ma'am!"

"Secure the prisoner. Tell Wizardmon he dies at dawn."

"Yes Ma'am!"

"And also tell him he can torture the prisoner until then."

"Yes Ma'am!"

"Dismissed!"

The screams of the pathetic, miserable author echoed through the studio as Wizardmon performed unspeakable torture. (Teletubbies, ugh) 

"This has been the Weekly Digimon Report. I'm Lia Agianna. If we survive this war, I'll see you next week with the one brand-new episode."

"Commander!" Cody came running, his helmet falling over his eyes.

"Yes, private?"

"They've…captured…him…"

"Who, son?"

"Colonel Nimoy…and his troops…ambushed…us. They've…taken…General Ishida."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

~*~

In Dubber HQ, Matt was tied to a chair in a fairly dark room, with a single halogen lamp shining directly on him. Nimoy and Buchholz walked in, dressed as Colonel Klink (Hogan's Heroes).

"So…you're the general of the rebel army, eh?" Nimoy asked. 

"I'm not saying anything. I'd rather die or get placed on Pokémon than betray my people."

"High-spirited, isn't he, Jeff?"

"Yes, Bob. Place him with the other POW's until we can figure out what to do with him, Bob."

An intern from the mailroom scampered in. "Sirs! We've just received word that our spy has been captured and sentenced for execution!"

"Damn, Bob! They've captured the author we put in their studio, Bob!"

"I know, Jeff. I guess having an author in there wasn't such a good idea, Jeff."

"That Lia girl is leading a rebellion, Bob. She's already convinced the Digidestined, Bob. And she's got a few rebel authors on her side, Bob. Grace Musica and Koushiro Izzy Izumi, Bob. They're giving cross-country support, Bob. They could crush us, Bob."

"What if we sent another spy to capture her, Jeff? Not an author, but a general, Jeff?"

"If you mean what I think you mean, Bob, then let's do it, Bob. Send out the Brainwashitron 2007 and 1/3!" 

"She won't get away, Bob. I won't let her, Bob."

~*~

Will the Digidestined be able to stop the evil English Dubbers? Will they win the Anime War? Will the real Lia be able to murder the real Pokezack before he ruins her good name forever? (oh, you bet I can!) Find out on the next Weekly Digimon Report, with Lia Agianna!

** **

**Hey Sean…other than being executed here (DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE) I've got a fic "Attack of the Small, Disgruntled Critters" where a certain adorable author goes for your jugular, you preppy little bastard you. NOW REVIEW, THAT'S AN ORDER! OR ELSE GET DOWN AND GIVE ME FIFTY PUSHUPS! **


	6. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

Part of this complete Digivolution.

The TV studio where the report is broadcasted weekly has been reduced to sheer chaos and a huge mess. Joe's field tent is packed full of patients, and now even Wizardmon's been enlisted as a field medic. Behind Lia's bunker, another tent has been set up. A camp lantern swings precariously overhead as she meets with her remaining generals: Tai of the Ground Troops, Sora of the Air Force, and T.K. and Ken because with their powers combined (T.K.'s cuteness and Ken's attitude) you get a mini-Matt.

"This battle has been going on since week one, and Nimoy hasn't given up yet…Buchholz either. They will not shut this news station down. Taichi, what do we have left for troops?"

"We've resorted to drawing from our supply of random Digidestined from around the world, Ma'am! Michael and Seadramon have been drafted to the Navy with Cody, Ma'am! Chichos and her Gotsumon just arrived this morning and the rest should be coming any time after that, Ma'am!"

"Chichos? Where?" Ken asked nervously. (Chichos will eventually try to glomp Ken) 

"Hey, whatever happened to that spy Nimoy and Buchholz sent over here?" Sora questioned. 

"We tortured him with hours of Teletubbies and the Jackie Chan Adventures, pumped him full of lead, chopped his carcass into little bite-size pieces, and shipped him UPS back to the enemy front," Lia stated smugly. 

T.K. looked like he was going to burst into tears and start crotching someone at any moment. "Matt…"

"Suck it in, soldier!" Lia snapped, tipping her helmet back. 

"Request permission to send for reinforcements via the Internet, Ma'am!" Ken suggested. 

"The Authors?" Sora gasped. 

"Permission granted, Private Ichijouji. Sound the alarm across fanfiction.net cuz we're up to our tags and crests in trouble. As for the news…this is Lia Agianna with the Weekly Digimon Report, in our sixth week. Only one new episode this week, and it's probably going to be like that for the rest of the season. The whole episode focused around Chinese food, Mummymon still can't win, he and Archnemon are now completely Team Rocket-ish, Black Wargreymon found the last Destiny Stone, and Ankylomon and Angemon jogress digivolved into a giant tea set. The whole thing sucked, it was absolutely pointless, the animation looked good but the plot was so Nimoy-dubbed that it turned out to be cutesy and pitiful. As for Shakkoumon, I don't know how an armor-plated armadillo and a bondage angel can turn into a tea set with wings. This episode would be better analyzed, but this is a war, people, and we're pressed for time! Besides, this episode sucked so much I'd take fifty pages just analyzing the first five minutes. So, this was your report, stay tuned for next week's battle, and now ONWARD, TROOPS!"

Lia herself led the remaining Digidestined, along with a rag-tag team of not yet dubbed characters from across the globe onto the battlefield. It was all too quiet. 

"Mimi! Where the hell did everybody go?"

"We don't know, Ma'am! Lillymon and I were in the front line with Silphymon one minute, and the next everything just stopped. Nimoy and Buchholz have withdrawn all their dubbed forces, the Power Rangers, Monster Rancher, and Flint, and we have no idea why!"

"Sora!"

"Ma'am!"

"Get your Birdramon and take off. Go find the 01 villains and get them here. I want everyone, down to the last VOD (Villain of the Day). That's an order!"

"What? Lia, you want _Etemon _and _Piedmon_ fighting on _our _side? ARE YOU INSANE?" Tai hollered. 

"Listen, we don't have a choice right now. Almost all of the normal cast is in the hospital, the global Digidestined and the Authors won't be enough, and with Matt gone we don't have Metalgarurumon around for the extra support! It's either form a truce or we get killed. DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

In the background of the still fields, shrapnel and Astroturf shreds plastered to the once-white walls, Joe can be heard yelling at Wizardmon.

"Dammit, Bones, do something!"

"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a miracle worker!"

"Ah, yes, now we've dug into Star Trek lines. So much love," T.K. sighed. 

"LIA!" someone shouted over the hum of a helicopter. A platoon of kids of all ages dressed in combat gear jumped from the open door as the pilot lowered the chopper through the hole in the roof. 

"Grace! Sandry! Kou! Good timing, Nimoy and Buchholz have taken a break but I'm betting my Author's Account they'll be here any minute now!"

"Then let's get busy!" Cherry Chibimon cried from within the ranks. 

"I'm ready!" afree87 added. 

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" 

"Prepare for trouble!"

"Make it double!"

"NO MORE TEAM ROCKET RIPOFFS!" Shadowmon shrieked from the hospital tent. 

Nimoy and Buchholz, dressed in their Colonel Klink outfits, appeared over the horizon (or from the next hall, near the vending machine), their forces of dubbed and pointless TV show casts dragging a huge crate. 

"Do you surrender yet, Unauthorized Digidestined?" Nimoy shouted. 

"NEVER!" Lia cried, whipping out a machine gun. 

"Is that your final answer?" Buchholz added. 

"YES!" 

"I suggest you rethink that," someone hissed, stepping out from the shadows cast by the water cooler. 

"What the…_Matt?" _Cody gasped, joining the squadron, his helmet still too big. 

"Gotta love that Brainwashitron 2007 and a third, Jeff."

"Oh yeah, Bob. You see, little Author, your precious anime boy is ours to command, and there is nothing you can do about it."

"Taichi, get Wargreymon, tell the others to go mega…I don't care if they haven't yet…just get everyone out here NOW!" 

"Lia! We're coming!" Sora and Phoenixmon (Biyomon's mega) hollered as the evil villains of the past followed in her wake. Devimon (or the half of him), Etemon (not to be confused with his chrome version), Myotismon (talking crotch not included), the four Dark Masters, and Apocalymon (before the dubbers changed his name for the third time) were pissed and ready to go. 

"The time to fight is now! Let's go for it, you guys!" Izzy shouted as he and Herculeskabuterimon (Tentomon's mega) led the now-recuperated troops out of the tent. 

"UNLEASH THE SECRET WEAPON, BOB!"

"RIGHTY-O, JEFF!"

The flunkeys pulled out crowbars and started prying the lid off the crate. 

"What the hell are they doing?" Rosemon (Palmon's mega) asked. 

"Let's spread some sunshine and kick their collective a**es!" MarineAngemon (Gomamon's mega) cheered. 

The thing in the crate jumped out and started laughing just as maniacally as Nimoy and Buchholz had been. The 01 villains started screaming like girls. 

"IT'S TERRI-LEI O'MALLEY!"

"Who?" the Authors asked. 

"TERRI-LEI O'MALLEY! THE ENGLISH PRODUCER!"

"Oh s***," Lia sighed. 

~*~

Can we stop the combined forces of Nimoy, Buchholz, Terri-Lei O'Malley and a brainwashed psychopathic Yamato? Will our news show make it to the Christmas episode? Will FOX be able to pay for the damage we've caused? Find out next week, on the Weekly Digimon Report, with Lia Agianna. NOW REVIEW, SOLDIER, OR YOU'LL BE CLEANING THE TOILETS WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH! 


	7. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

Kiss me, I'm Irish!

Lia and her troops stood on one side of the dilapidated studio, Nimoy, Buchholz, and their forces on the other. The Digidestined, or what was left of them, looked mighty worn down but weren't about to give up now. The Around the World Digidestined were all chattering in different languages and the Mexican girl Chichos was trying to glomp Ken again. The old evil villains were also there, and they were just as displeased. But the majority of Lia's troops came from the fanfiction.net Authors and Reviewers. 

"Private Killerhurtz!" 

"Yes Ma'am!"

"Take Private Amilene over to the Cartoon Network, hook up with Heero and Quatre and see if you can borrow a couple Gundams. And get those robots online, pronto!"

"Yes Ma'am!"

"Private Flower Cannon!"

"Yes Ma'am!"

"You and Private Grace Musica take command."

"What?! You're letting your _fans _take charge? I'm the leader of the Digidestined! And how come you're deserting us now?!" Tai shouted, flailing his arms around. 

"I've got a report to do, son. Private Sandrilene!"

"Yes Ma'am!"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

"Yes Ma'am!"

And Lia took off for her bunker, plugging in a microphone and pinning a green button reading "Irish at Heart" to her uniform. 

"Welcome to Week Seven of the Weekly Digimon Report, I'm Commander Lia Agianna. We're up to episode thirty-seven, and basically it was a fight for the last Destiny Stone. The kids used the power of their D3's to summon Azulongmon, which was a big ol' dragon thing that told Black Wargreymon he actually had a purpose before launching into full flashback mode. Archnemon and Mummymon did basically nothing the whole time, it was 'Explain Stuff to the Pipsqueaks' Day. So…we had appearances by the entire 01 cast, plus our buddies the Dark Masters, and some other stuff, all in flashback form. T.K. and Kari are still the producers' favorites, and Happy St. Patrick's Day to all you Irish folk. The actual person that types the fanfics (the human being sitting in front of her computer now as opposed to the anime girl in the battlefield) is half Irish, and therefore we Digidestined get to promote the Irish folk. Anyway, there really was little point to this episode other than the fact that next week would be CHRISTMAS! And so, this was your report, and now, back to the battle."

And Lia jumped out of the bunker, unplugging her mike. Matt, the still brainwashed and psychopathic general and bishounen, was being cuddled by (dun dun dun, dramatic reverb) Terri-Lei O'Malley, the evil English Producer. 

"Oh no you don't! I'm the only one around here that's allowed to glomp Matt…except when I'm writing Sorato stories! DIE, PRODUCER, DIE!" 

"Seize that Author!" Nimoy hollered, motioning to fifty thousand cancelled versions of Power Rangers. 

"Go! Go!" Buchholz added, jerking his fingers at Los Luchadores. 

"You got rid of us and yet you let _him _be the final evil villain? What the hell are you people smoking?!" Puppetmon hollered, setting his copy of the episode scripts from episodes forty-five through fifty. "Puppet pommel!"

"You killed me off and wouldn't let me die properly!" Wizardmon cried. "Magical game!"

"Digimon, attack!" Tai ordered.

"Come on, gang, we don't need to take their crap! If not for the show, then do it for the hot guys on the show…like Ken!" Cherry mentioned. 

"There she goes again," Karuri-chan a.k.a. Setsuna sighed. 

And both forces collided a la "Ultimate Clash," only this time Kari isn't glowing and Puppetmon is too busy wailing on people to sit back and laugh. Lia took this to be the opportune time to go and rescue one brainwashed bishounen. 

"You! You're the enemy!" he gasped. 

"No, really?" Lia said sarcastically, administering a sharp b****slap upside his head. "Snap out of it, Yamato, unless you want Mimi singing for you at the Christmas concert next week."

"WHAT?! NO!"

"There's more than one way to skin a Gatomon," Lia snickered as Matt switched sides yet again. 

"Hey Lia! When do we get our dates?" Flower Cannon asked while grappling with Pink Power Ranger # 147. 

"What dates?" the guy Digidestined asked. 

"Um…I told my readers if they sent a review I'd set them up with you guys. Matt, Cody, Izzy, Joe, and Ken have been drafted for date duty thus far."

"WHAT?!"

"Gimme back my Dai-chan!" Ken screamed, picking up a microphone pole and planning to run Nimoy through. 

"Who?! Oh, you mean Davis…and I suppose you want the other kid as well."

"Nah, Nicki can stay for a while, she hasn't been getting along with her Outside-of-Fanfic-Land friends lately and…" Yolei started to say. 

"Yes! I want Nicki back NOW!" Izzy and Shad screeched. 

"Can't we come to some sort of agreement about all of this? We're not doing anything to the show per se, we're just running an informative news show for all the readers who did and didn't see the week's episode (s) and giving it our own personal touch. Is that so wrong?" Cody cried. 

"YES!" the English execs shouted. "Prepare to meet your doom, Authors and Reviewers, for once you are gone these kids will be ours, and there will be no yaoi implications or hints of any coupling and their personalities will be as flat as Sora's chest and we will continue to do as we please especially to…"

"Did somebody call for some reinforcements?" three voices shouted. 

"What in the name of Action Man…?"

"I'm Takato!"

"I'm Ruki!"

"I'm Lee!"

"AND WE'RE THE 03 DIGIDESTINED!"

"Well, now I've seen everything. Who's going to show up next, AiM or Michael Reisz?" Lia sighed. "Anyone for corned beef and cabbage?"

~*~

**Will this stupid war ever end? Who knows? I sure as heck don't! Review, review, review, folks, and then break out your plastic Christmas trees because (unless they're going to pull a P***mon, cut it from the arc and save it for July) next weekend would be CHRISTMAS! So Happy St. Patrick's Day and Merry Christmas to all of you! NOW GET BACK INTO THE RANKS OR YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF SCOURING THE MESS HALL WITH THE NUMEMON! **


	8. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

Now with real eggnog taste!

We're still engaged in World War Three, which is basically taunting the executive board repeatedly and making empty threats. But watching Bob Buchholz turn red in the face is funny. The 03 kids: Takato, Ruki, and Lee, took one look at us, said, "oh, you're the old kids," and left. Screw them. Screw them for getting rid of Matt! 

"Izumi, report!"

"Private Killerhurtz sent an email. He says the robots are online and they'll be here by the next report. He's also managed to borrow a couple mobile suits from the Gundam Wing cast. Ma'am!"

"Good. Where's Private Musica?"

"Right here, Lia, ma'am!"

"Private Musica…HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

"Ma'am! Thank you ma'am!"

"And Private Sandrilene?" 

Sandry looked up but didn't say anything. "GET WELL SOON CUZ STREP THROAT SUCKS BIG TIME!"

"Do you surrender yet, you lousy American…Americans?" Shadowmon hollered. 

"Never! How about you kids? Give in?" Nimoy challenged. 

"The day we give in is the day Ash stops trying to be a Pokémon Master, the day half the Gundam cast gets personality, the day Sailor Moon stops wearing those meatballs, the day Sakura doesn't annoy Li, the day…"

"WE GET THE PICTURE!"

Just as Matt and Tai were about to lob half a dozen grenades over to the other side of the studio, everything stopped. Not a single person moved…except for Lia while she was frantically typing. The studio doors opened, and someone stepped in. 

"I've had just enough of this."

Lia glanced at the figure, who was wearing a red sequined Santa hat; his scythe decked out in blinky Christmas tree lights. 

"Hello, Reo. So, you finally decided to grace us with your presence, is that it?"

"You bet I did. Now, we're going to put our bazookas away for now and have a nice, quiet, _nonviolent _Christmas special like the network intends."

"Christmas? What you talkin' 'bout-" Tai started to say. 

"If you say 'what you talkin' 'bout Willis' I will personally hurt you!" Willis hollered. 

"Yeah, it's like, March!" Mimi added.

"In case you didn't see the title on this week's screen, it's the Christmas Digimon episode. Now, strike this set, you people that shouldn't be here get into the studio audience, digimon return to rookie forms…well, except the Cat and the Hat…Nimoy, release those POW's, and let's do something freaking merry or I'll be forced to use this here Lemon Scythe!" the Infamous Boss Reo commanded. 

Instantly the set was transformed from a bloody battlefield to a quaint ski lodge, complete with cocoa and a crackling fire. Nimoy and Buchholz reluctantly brought out Veemon, Davis, and Nicki. 

"The light. Look Davish, real shunlight!" 

"DAVIS!"

"Ken! Oh Kenny!" You guessed it, Davis and Ken started hugging like crazy, making Yolei nearly choke on her candy cane. Nicki took one look around the room, stuffed her hands into her pockets and said, "eh."

"What's her problem?" Izzy whispered. 

"She's not really into the show anymore. Looks like you're out of a girlfriend," Joe replied. Izzy nearly collapsed.

"Okay, you three," Reo pointed at the Evil Execs, "are not to interfere with the report, got it? This is Lia's fanfic, and you are to keep your mouths shut or I will shut them for you."

"Yeah! I mean, why are you so mad at us anyway? It's not like we're plagiarizing! Lia makes absolutely no money off these things at all! It would be different if she sold her stories and made a profit, but the only money she gets comes from weekly allowances and babysitting but lately she doesn't even get that cuz she broke her printer and has to pay for it so get off our cases!" Cody argued. 

"You, shorty, shut up! Lia, get on with this report so we can go out and snowball fight, old-school style."

"Yes, Reo, right away, Reo," Lia said in a deadpan voice.

"I'm Lia Agianna, and welcome to week eight of the Weekly Digimon Report. I don't have much to say, other than MERRY CHRISTMAS! And now, to Davis for a recap of what happened today. Davis, if you'd be so kind?"

"Sure. Okay, so it was Christmas, and Ken invited all us new Digidestined to a wicked cool party, but not after we delivered the 01 cast's digimon as presents. Tai got really disappointed that Sora likes Matt and not him, and Matt got to do another concert. T.K.'s mom ran into some creepy guy in a trenchcoat, and Archnemon and Mummymon started some trouble downtown. Matt's concert got interrupted by some invading digimon, but with everyone's help we got that problem taken care of in no time. Special guest appearances by all the season one gang, their digimon, Mr. Ishida, Mrs. Takaishi, Mimi's folks, Izzy's family, Ken's mom, Jun, Yolei's sister, and a special musical performance by Matt! How did I do?"

"Great, Davis," Ken said, snuggling close to his goggle-headed buddy. 

"Right. Now, since we did have a concert, let's get a musical review from Gabumon, our resident horn dog. Gabumon?"

"I wanted some of those cookies! You didn't save me any! Greedy basta…heheh, um, Matt once again proved to be the best and only musician worthy of being on the show. We were glad to hear more of his English dubbed song, but disappointed that it was sped up too much and muffled. And having the digimon invade in the middle of it was a damper too. All in all, I give it two paws way, way up!"

"Of course I didn't save you any, Sora made them for _me!"_ Matt snapped. 

"Pipe down, or you'll find you and that guitar in an uncompromising situation!" Reo hollered. Matt immediately shut up. Lia was a little unnerved. 

"O-kay, moving on. For an episode analysis of our yuletide cheer, who better than the digimon that qualifies as head fruitcake, Goma?!"

"Thanks Lia. Okie-dokey, this episode wasn't bad to begin with, but it could have been better if _someone _didn't try to keep sticking in lame jokes every interval. Joe looked like he didn't have much to do, but the upcoming trip to Australia may remedy that. The Sorato scene was less serious, and that kind of ruined the mood. Matt was made to look more like a shallow airhead today, and everyone around here…especially Lia cuz she spends more time with Yama than even ol' horn dog does…knows he's definitely not a valley girl guy. There was way too much digivolving! Half the episode was digivolving as usual! If it's not regular digivolving, it's jogress digivolving! Oh, and Kari's little rhyme commentary thing, it sucked. They should have done it Japan-style, with no narration and background muzak. Uh…I think that was everything I wanted to include…I didn't get to say much of anything other than 'Gomamon, digivolve to…' and that's just plain ripping me off! So, that's my little take on things. Back to you, Lia."

"Thanks, Gomer. I think that wraps up our report for this week, unless anyone else has news?"

"You kids! You damned lousy kids! Just you wait! The guy in the trenchcoat will get you all! You'll see!" Buchholz shouted. "And then on the last episode you'll be shown as adults and you'll probably all grow up to look like your parents!"

"Buchholz, you idiot! You just gave away the entire rest of the series!" O'Malley hissed. 

"We're going to go cut more scenes and censor things. We'll be back later to destroy you all. Come, my executives, let us go drown our sorrows in changing the name of Apocalymon yet again," Nimoy sighed dejectedly. 

No sooner did the executives leave than Sora jumped up enthusiastically. 

"We…just…temporarily…WON!" she cried. 

The Authors, Reviewers, Extra Digidestined, and Evil 01 Villains cheered. Matt and Lia were hugging and shrieking and stuff. 

"We did it! We did it!" Matt hollered. 

"For now."

"Yeah, but something's better than nothing, isn't it?" Joe pointed out. 

"Thanks for helping us, all of you! As a prize, everyone here wins a date with me!" Willis announced, grinning wildly. Kari and Yolei groaned. 

"I hope you mean 'all the girls here' otherwise you'll be having a few yaoi dates," Mimi mentioned. 

Lia swatted Matt upside the head, forcing him to get out of the way as she turned to Reo. 

"Hey, thanks a lot for giving us a hand today. I'll get the next installment of Batpig to you when I can," she said, shaking his hand. 

"Don't mention it. Yo Wiz-Gig, keep outta trouble, kay?"

"Don't call me Wiz-Gig!" Wizardmon fumed. 

~*~

Meanwhile, in Evil Executive Headquarters…

"We were so close! We were so close and you had to go and goof it all up for the sake of having a Jeff Nimoy Christmas! I hope you're happy!" Terri-Lei O'Malley shrieked, throwing a soundtrack reel across the room. 

"This is only a minor setback. We'll be back hurting them next week, don't you worry, Terri-Lei, Boss," Buchholz said, cowering. 

"You're right, Bob. But that girl…that girl is too resistant, Bob. She's too headstrong, Bob. Not even brainwashing her boyfriend stopped her, Bob. We have to find her weakness, Bob."

"Our intern crew is already on it, Jeff. They've been working night and day to find her weakness, Jeff. Something's gotta yank her chain, Jeff, and we will find it, Jeff."

"Would you two stop talking like that? It's pointless and utterly aggravating!" O'Malley scowled. 

~*~

Yeah, yeah, will we stop the dubbers? Will they find my weak link? Et cetera et cetera et cetera, next time on the Weekly Digimon Report with Lia Agianna! Special thanks to the Infamous Boss Reo for complaining about not being inserted…this is for the Wiz-Gig, Reo. And to everyone else out there that is in my Corps of Troops but don't get mentioned…you're in there! You're an important part! And if you want your name mentioned like Sana Jisushi, Pastel-chan, Karuri-chan a.k.a. Setsuna, Flower Cannon and the others, all you have to do is REVIEW!!!


	9. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

Requires two AA batteries, not included.

Well, we had a nice little break from the Dubber War thanks to Boss Reo and his Christmas special. But now we're back to trying to kill each other. Izzy got an email from Killerhurtz ten minutes ago saying he and the robot task force were being stopped by FOX Customs and needed some assistance crossing the borders, so we sent Matt out to give him a hand. Meanwhile…

"Lia!" 

"What's up, Grace? You look like you've just seen a dubber."

"Not exactly. I think I gave them a bad idea in my DDT2K fic. I think I just saw a Pikachu in the Nimoy ranks."

"WHAT?! WHERE'S THE YELLOW BASTARD?!" Patamon hollered. 

"Well, don't worry about it. We all knew it'd happen sooner or later. At least Matt and Killerhurtz are on their way with the backup troops."

The ground started shaking as a platoon of robots came stampeding into view, lead by Private Killerhurtz and Matt. Behind the platoon was a familiar set of Gundam Wing mobile suits. Lia grinned and started running for the platoon. Matt shot Killerhurtz a smug look, sure his girlfriend was coming over for a hug. 

"I told you, Killerhurtz, Lia is all…mine?" Lia blew right past the two of them, leaving everyone rather confused. That is, until Duo Maxwell and Quatre Winner jumped down out of their Gundams and hugged her. 

I watched Endless Waltz last weekend and now I'm on a bit of a Gundam high. Can you tell?

"What the?" Matt whimpered. 

"Hey kiddo, long time, no see," Duo grinned. 

"It's so nice to see you again," Quatre added. 

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

Lia looked up, tilting her helmet back. "Oh, you didn't know? The Gundam gang and I are old buddies. There was this one time Heero came down with mono…he caught it from Relena and she got it from Zechs…anyway, I was hanging out there and the next thing you know I'm piloting Wing Zero."

"She's quite a pilot," Quatre stated. 

"Yeah, made ol' Wufei cry," Duo snickered. 

"Sure, she can pilot a Gundam but she can't put ink into a printer," Shadowmon sighed. 

"And just when did this happen?" Tai questioned. 

"Between 01 and 02, while Matt was off growing his hair and learning to play the bass. I was kinda in Anime Limbo for a while so I went network-hopping. Hey, since you guys are here, why don't you do the report with me this weekend?"

Matt, looking very depressed, trudged off to the bunkers. Puppetmon intercepted him halfway there, waving his gun like he did in the uncut version of "Playing Games."

"Whoa, whazzamatta with you? You like Imperialdramon just squashed ya."

"Eh, my girlfriend's run off with the Gundam pilots."

"Want me to blow them up?"

"No. Just let them do their own thing."

"Aww, I wanted to blow something up. Wait, there's always Dubber Lackeys! Yessuh!"

"This is Lia Agianna, and welcome to week nine of the Weekly Digimon Reports. This weekend kicked off what FOX affectionately calls the 'Digimon World Tour' and that means only one thing…"

"ROAD TRIP!!!" Davis shouted. 

"Right. To get a full recap, we go to Quatre R. Winner, Gundam pilot of Sandrock. Quatre?"

"Thank you, Lia. Well, this weekend digimon begin appearing all over the world, along with control spires, Digidestined, and the digiport. Davis goes to Tomachi to help Ken, while the others figure out what to do. The digimon are given the power to digivolve to ultimate once more, and during a rumble with a dinosaur and Mummymon, Paildramon digivolves to his mega, Imperialdramon. The kids now have to go all over the world and fix everything. Special appearances by the 01 cast, Mrs. Izumi, Mr. Ishida, Azulongmon, and guest appearance by Obi Wan Kenobi…I mean, Gennai."

"Thanks, Quatre. Speaking of Ishida, where'd Matt run off to?"

"I think he's sulking somewhere," Mimi stated, shaking a can of pink spray paint to use on her fatigues. 

"Moving right along with our report, here's Duo Maxwell, pilot of Deathscythe, for our episode analysis. You've got the floor, Duo."

"Thanks. Eh, this wasn't a really exciting episode other than the fact that Gennai appeared and now he looks like Obi Wan Kenobi from Episode 1 of Star Wars. Of course, Yolei goes bonkers over him like she does any guy. And hey, poor neglected Willis got a mention in the episode! The producers didn't forget about him after all! And on a side note, check how close Sora and Matt were standing. Do I suspect a budding romance or is it just standing next to each other? Well, we don't know cuz Sora's going to Russia and Matt's headed to Mexico for a visit with Chichos."

"NOT CHICHOS!" Ken howled. 

"I do exist! I do have a purpose!" Willis cried triumphantly. 

"Anyway, like I said, this episode was pretty boring. Didn't they mention the Power Rangers? I thought I heard 'Power Rangers Arbor Day Special' but I might have been imagining things."

"Great job, Duo. Well, next week's episode will probably be late, I have to do a fundraiser for my Missions trip so I'm going to tape it. Mimi and Lillymon will be back, and so will *shudder* Michael. Until then, this is Lia Agianna with the Weekly Digimon Report. ALL RIGHT, TROOPS, MOVE OUT!"

"YES MA'AM!"

~*~

"Jeff! I've got it, Jeff! I've found the weakness, Jeff!"

"What is it, Bob? Can we have it ready in time for this weekend, Bob?"

"I doubt it, Jeff. Terri-Lei has to approve of it and supply us with the equipment, Jeff. But it'll be ready for next week, Jeff. And it looks like trouble is brewing between the Matt one and the Unspoken-Of One, Jeff."

"That's good to hear, Bob."

~*~

While robots, digimon, Authors, Reviewers, Digidestined, and whatever else we've got out there are fighting Power Rangers, Luchadores, Pokémon, Interns, and whatever else they've got out there, Lia was taking care of business. Steve Irwin, a.k.a. "The Crocodile Hunter" will now give a running commentary on the situation. 

"Heah we have the woild Autha on the hunt foh thuh eloosive woild angsty Digidestined, othawoise known as Matt. He's moighty angry with huh, and if this li'l beauty isn't cahful, she cuhld lose huh loife. But this gohgeous creatuh is very fuisty and won't take lip from anyone. Let's wutch as she goes in fuh thuh kill."

"Matt! I've been looking all over for you. Why'd you run off?" Lia questioned, taking off her helmet. Matt looked away, too angry to speak. 

"Aw, come on, just because I'm buddies with the Gundam guys doesn't mean I'm deserting you. You know you're my favorite. Why else do I ignore the other Digidestined and focus mainly on you? Huh?"

"But…ever since…and you…what about the Sorato? I feel like I'm losing you! I don't want anything to change. I…I…I don't want things to turn out the way they did in that fanfic you just posted, the Nimoy one."

"You think I'd let that happen? Just because the producers say and do one thing doesn't mean I'm going to go along with it. So the producers decide to funk you up. I'll rebel until my face turns blue! The Nimoy thing was just a way to show off your kids and spoil the end of season two. As for Sorato, it's a very plausible coupling. I don't believe in yaoi other than Kensuke, I think pairing you with a younger girl is disgusting, and Mimi has never shown any inkling of a sign of liking you, so Sora's left and when you look at things you're a good couple. Besides, I get more reviews for Sorato stories than I do for self-insertations, even though Sandrilene likes them. Nothing will change between us. I care too much about you to let that happen. Now c'mon, we've got a war to fight."

"Yeah. So, whaddya think of me as an adult? Honestly."

"Honestly? You look like a blonde version of your father and it scares the hell outta me. Then again, Tai looks like Heero and T.K. has a mullet so I can't talk. Oh well."

"Thuh woild Lia has made huh kill, and thuh eloosive Matt is renduhed helpless. What a beaut!"

"Hey Lia, are we ever going to get together?" Sandrilene asked when she and Matt returned. 

"Ummm, I'm still talking it over with my parents. But April Vay-Cay is a no go since I'm going to South Carolina with my church group. Which reminds me…gimme an email when you can, we need to have a little discussion regarding these reports. Grace, you too. Somebody's gotta do them while I'm gone hammering and spackling in the ghetto. But for now, somebody find me a Gundam, I'm going Poké-slaughtering. Wanna help, Yama?"

"You bet!"

"It's it great Karuri-chan? They got back together!" chichamunkyhead sighed. 

"I don't think she's listening," teknodanish pointed out. 

"Huh?" 

Karuri-chan a.k.a. Setsuna was off on a Joe-glomping mission of her own. 

"Oh."

"Ahhh, young love. Isn't it amazing?" Cherry asked, eyeing Ken. 

"No! Go away, you!"

"Let's get to whooping these losers, eh Wiz-Gig?" Reo grinned. 

"QUIT CALLING ME WIZ-GIG!!!"

~*~

**What'd the dubber find? Will the Digidestined survive it? When will this stupid war end? Find out eventually, on the Weekly Digimon Report with Lia Agianna! And now, if you review, we'll send you Cody! Yes, you will receive Cody for reviewing! Spend hours of kendo fun with the shortest Digidestined of all! So review today!**


	10. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

With more frequent flyer miles than Tai has hair.

The usual battlefield set has been taken down, and replaced with a leftover set from _Home Improvement. _The Reviewers, Authors, and spare characters are seated in the studio audience bleachers, relaxing and sipping at coffee. Mimi, clad in a red cotton dress that barely reaches mid thigh, a pair of leather work boots, and a tool belt, stands in front of them. 

"Does everybody know what time it is?"

People started hollering random times from their respective time zones. (It's 3:38 PM where I live.) 

"I give up. It didn't work, Willis. They don't get it!"

"Then just get off the stage!"

Ken, working the sound mixer, strikes up some random theme song, which sounds suspiciously like one of Yama's bass riffs. Lia comes onstage, grinning malevolently. She's wearing leather steel-toe boots, oversized white boys' socks, denim shorts, a turquoise blue t-shirt reading "Missions 2001," a tool belt with a hammer and a paint brush in it, work gloves, and safety goggles. 

"Hi everyone!"

The crowd cheers wildly. 

"Welcome to the Weekly Digimon Report, Week Ten. You all know me as Lia Agianna. I bet you all wanna know why we're not in the middle of the Dubber War. Well, King Weregarurumon put in a complaint in our Complaint Department, and so this week we're taking a little break. Besides, this is the last report I'm doing before I go away for April Vacation. Now, because I'm going away on my Missions trip, which is basically Habitat for Humanity in the South Carolina ghetto, I won't be able to do Weeks Eleven and Twelve of the Weekly Digimon Report. But fear not, fans! Sandrilene, oh right, um, now called Sandrilene Anastasia, is going to fill in for me, right Sandry?"

"You bet!"

"And don't worry, I'm shipping Ken and Matt over for backup…which reminds me…Sana, is that you or Karuri-chan who keeps asking how you can pick up your date with your Digidestined or Cody? Anyway, if you wanna pick up your date or Cody, email me at [elizagh@yahoo.com][1] and I'll be glad to send you your bishy. Okay, it was just one new episode, part one of the Digimon World Tour, and who better to review it than the star of this weekend's episode, Palmon?"

"Thanks so much, Lia! Well, the Japanese Digidestined are all off around the world destroying control spires and sending all the digimon back to the Digital World. Everyone's split up, and somehow Mimi and I got sent Davis. And then Cherrymon caused a big problem in Rockefeller Center and we had to take care of that, with the help of the U.S. Digidestined. And then Izzy and Kari had a few minor problems in Hong Kong with the Asian Digidestined, but they straightened things out. Special guest appearances by the 01 cast, Mimi's parents, the American Digidestined, the Chinese and Indian Digidestined, Michael, and his dad. Back to you, Lia!"

"Thanks, Palmon. Well, before we analyze anything, can somebody help me with my tool belt? It's too big! TOOL BISHY!"

Matt came running out in a tank top, causing the female portion of the audience to shriek. 

"Gimme your belt and I'll fix it…TAKE ME WITH YOU, WOMAN! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH…_THEM!" _

"Sorry, Yama, but I can't fit you. Besides, I think T.K. would have a conniption fit. You can hang out with Ken and be angsty together. Okay?"

"Fine…hey wait a minute, what do you mean you can't _fit _me?"

A Demidevimon flapped out and perched on Lia's shoulder, brooding. 

"I hate being a rookie. When can I digivolve back to champion?" he asked.

"After I get to the Faith/Hope House where we're staying. Then you can be Wizardmon again. Oh, everyone, this is Demidevimon, formerly Wizardmon. He's only devolved because I can fit him into my duffel bag this way."

"Ohhhhh," the crowd said. 

"Anyway, Willis, you do the analysis while I hunt down a sleeping bag."

"Righty-o. Okay, there wasn't much going on today. There are too many freaking Gennai clones and they all look like Obi-Wan Kenobi. Lia's VCR hates her because she used the timer while she was out so she could have this weekend's episode and the damn thing taped over half of 38 and all of 39. We were with the American Digidestined and I DIDN'T SHOW UP! That prissy bastard Michael and his polo playing a** got to show up but not me! Why?! And there are too many people hitting on Kari! And why didn't Matt and Ken get to say anything? The others all got to comment and they didn't. All we heard out of either of them was "right" and "nice work Imperialdramon" or something to that extent. But WHY CAN'T I EXIST?! I WANNA BE IN THE SHOW! And did anyone else notice how Mummymon just kind of magically appeared on that swing? The panned out shot showed nothing, and then two seconds later he was there. Oh well. This is Willis, reporting on how screwed things are. Back to you, Lia."

"OW! I dropped my hammer. I thought these were steel-toe boots! Oh, we're back. Hey, I watched episode 38 on Friday and they fixed a few slipups in the dub. Good for the producers! TOOL BISHY!"

Matt came running out again. "What now?"

"You and Ken are going home with Sandrilene, she's taking the reports for the next two weekends. I'm leaving Thursday night at nine PM, Eastern Standard Time, so if you want to send me an email of encouragement before then, my address is somewhere above. Remember, if you send it after Thursday I won't read it until probably Sunday the 22nd since I'm down south. Wish me luck! This has been Lia Agianna for the Weekly Digimon Report. So long!"

"Lia, since you're going soon, I wanted to give you something," Matt the Tool Bishy said. Lia glanced up just in time to catch Matt giving her one hell of a kiss. The audience started catcalling in approval. 

"Oy! You two make me sick. Demi dart!" Demi-Wizardmon knocked Matt out mid-make out. Meanwhile, Willis was beating up Michael and Izzy was chasing after Nicki.

"HOW COULD YOU GO OUT WITH SOMEONE NAMED _JOE? _IT'S INHUMAN!"

~*~

Dubber Headquarters…

"Bob! Is that thing ready yet, Bob?"

"Yes, Jeff. But we can't use it for another three reports, Jeff."

"Why not, Bob? What's the big idea, Bob?"

"The author girl, that Lia, she's going away and won't be around for us to torment, Jeff. We'll have to wait until she's back before we can do anything, Jeff."

"Then this will make an excellent welcome home present, Bob. She will not foil our plans anymore, Bob. I swear it on the Book of Cheap Editing, Bob."

"Right you are, Jeff."

~*~

Goodbye for now, faithful readers! I'll be back Sunday, April 22. Well, I'll be back that Saturday but I won't be home in time to catch that episode of Digimon, which will be Matt and Ken in Mexico with Chichos, the glomping girl. So look for the Weekly Digimon Report with Sandrilene for all your up-to-the-episode coverage of the Digimon World Tour. I'm going to be aching and sore, but at least I'll have my Tool Bishounen for some cuddling after the workday is over. ~.^

**~_Lia _**

**_ _**

** **

   [1]: mailto:elizagh@yahoo.com



	11. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

The Weekly Digimon Report

All your news are belong to us. 

The Digidestined were all sitting around the newsroom, very bored. Well, not all the Digidestined. Matt's still locked in Lia's office, Willis has gone off with Sandrilene, the girls are doing facials, and the other guys are sitting on a couch tossing cards into T.K.'s hat. Just then the studio doors flew open, and a silhouette can be made out through the glare of actual sunlight. 

"We've got a lot of work to do, guys! Let's get the report running before Nimoy realizes I'm back in business!"

"Lia!" 

"The one and only. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Weekly Digimon Reports. I'm Lia Agianna, and you're in the middle of Weeks Eleven Through Thirteen. Since my co-anchor Sandrilene missed the episodes while I was gone **don't worry Sandry, it happens **I'm just recapping them before going on to this week's hour-long special. So rally the troops, we're back to doing what we do best…. the news!"

The entire cast came running, hurrying to clean up the set and get the cameras rolling. Lia hopped into her chair, Demidevimon still perched on her shoulder.

"So…when do I get to be Wizardmon again?"

"Not now. I like you this size, it's more convenient and you stop hitting on me this way, not to mention the ceasing of your constant Harry Potter tirade."

"Dammit."

"Wormmon, give us a recap on _Digimon World Tour, _parts two and three!"

"Got it! Okay, Joe and Cody met Derek, the Australian Digidestined, whose name is really supposed to be Dingo, and together they took care of some aquatic digimon that were a problem. The whole 'digimon pizza and pilaf' bit was really quite pointless. Meanwhile, along with Tai, T.K. had a family reunion in Paris with his grandfather Michel. You can see where Matt got his genes. Speaking of Matt, how come neither Takaishi mentioned him throughout that episode? Huh? Anyway, the guys rescued the French Digidestined Catherine from Versailles Palace and stopped the digimon there. While that was happened, Ken, Matt, Gabumon and I were helping this rude little Mexican Digidestined Rosa, also known as Chichos, save the Mayan ruins. And in Russia, Yolei and Sora had their minds set on dinner with Anna, Sonja, and Yuri, the Russian kids. When Sora mentioned Yuri after Imperialdramon helped them out in Siberia, Matt got a bit upset. And Archnemon and Mummymon continue to cause chaos in Japan. Back to you, Lia."

"Thanks a heap, Wormmon. And now we go to this weekend's double-header of episodes 43 and 44, two 'shiny new episodes' as Horn Dog put it. Um…take the recap, Nimoy Bug."

"Right! Well, first things first, Jun is very mad at a certain individual. Quote: I can't believe that jerk for picking her over me. End quote. We all know who that jerk is, and who he picked, if you catch my drift…"

Tentomon paused as Izzy hit a button up in the sound booth, blasting the chorus from a popular song. 

"No matter what you do he's never gonna be with you. He's into what he's got, he loves me, he loves you not!" 

"Nice touch, Izzy!" Nicki cried, giving her boy thumbs-up. 

"Anyway," the bug continued, "evil digimon started showing up in the city, and it was up to the gang to take them down. We did the best we could, but Ladydevimon, Marinedevimon, and Skullsatamon were a powerful combination. Imperialdramon went to Fighter Form, and kicked some gluteus maximus. Then Ken got kidnapped by Archnemon and Mummymon as Daemon, some freaky new villain, showed up. Davis ran after them but the U-Haul was too fast. Jim Kido gave the new kids a lift and the original crew just kind of disappeared after we original digimon left. Silphymon got into a catfight with Ladydevimon, Shakkoumon with Marinedevimon, and Ken got shocked with a taizer. I think that's just about everything…um, Yolei smacked Ladydevimon with a skateboard and we found out about Cody's dad. I think that should cover everything. Back to the girl in charge!"

"Right. Well, if Jun's little outburst didn't convince you of Matt's, ahem, love interests, let's go to instant Sorato replay."

Matt blushed crimson as Ken projected the image of him, Sora, Yolei and Kari winging their way down the street on Garudamon. Tai took the liberty of circling the two eldest members with a digital pen, pointing out how Matt had his arm around her. 

"They were all over each other! Matt was hanging all over Sora the whole time! They even called each other! I say where is the evidence? Where is the evid…" Kari clamped a hand over her brother's mouth. 

"Don't start! Lia will go on her Sorato tirade and we'll never hear the end of it. As it is, she's already got a contest going! **I'm still taking entrants! C'mon, Sorato people, let's get busy!**"

"Okay, so since we're approaching major Sorato territory, let's give Biyomon the right to rant. Your pinkness?"

"Thank you, Lia. I've got to say, the episode dubs are getting better and better. For example, Daemon in Japan was Demon, and the censors can't have that, so they were going to change it to Creepimon. Somebody did right and made it Daemon! Nancy is still one weird woman, and Mr. Ishida just kind of showed up out of nowhere and got really involved in the fights and stuff. Matt, maybe you should consider moving as far from that guy as possible. Jim drives like a maniac, there was a ton of Kensuke, Owikawa is really Myotismon in disguise. And for the most disturbing news of all, the dubbers cut out the Angewomon/Ladydevimon b****-slap fight out of 43! They were supposed to be slapping each other all over the place and _then _comes the Sorato moment!!! Those kids are scary, Mummymon just can't win, and next weekend Jun meets Jim. Oh God help us all. For the Weekly Digimon Report, this has been Biyomon Takenouchi."

"Ken looked cute this weekend! He was so cute, especially when he was crying for Davy and Wormmon! I loved it…but not as much as my Sorato moments. Next week's probably an all-new episode, so keep it here for your coverage. This has been Lia Agianna with the Weekly Digimon Report. Have a great weekend, I'm off to babysit!" 

The gang started hugging her like mad as soon as the cameras shut off, Matt especially. 

"It was so boring without you! The dubbers didn't even try anything! It was awful!" 

"Well, they probably will try something. Oh, guess what I saw at the mall? Action figure Tai with action Kari! They were so awful looking! It was hilarious!"

"Not as funny as Gabumon saying 'shiny new episodes.'"

"True. IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Lia, you've been home for a week."

"Yeah, but I'm especially happy to be back."

~*~

Nimoy and Buchholz had spent all night at one of the intern's bachelor parties, and so they were so incredibly wasted they slept all morning and won't wake up until the bottom of the ninth inning of today's Red Sox game. GO SOX!!! So, they won't bother us for another weekend. Good thing. As for Terri-Lei, she's at a Tupperware party. 

~*~

**Send reviews! Send Sorato entries! Send Jun to the moon! Just do something!**


	12. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

The Weekly Digimon Report

We do it all for the anime. 

Lia was sitting in her office, watching a couple borrowed tapes of _Fushigi Yugi. _Well, more like reading it. It was the subtitled version. 

"Mm, Tamahome, Hotohori. Bishounen if I ever saw them."

Then she glanced over at the "God Forsaken Nimoy-ish Matt Ishida Throw Pillow" and felt guilty about thinking about other hot anime boys.

"Lia? You're on in five minutes!" Willis called, rapping on the door. 

"Kay!" 

She shut off her VCR and headed out to the soundstage, where everybody was waiting. 

"Okay gang, let's get it on!" Everyone nodded in agreement, which then caused Lia to burst into tears. 

"Huh? Oh what now?!" Tai groaned. 

"It's…it's…almost the end of the season! When _Tamers _gets to America, if it ever does, you guys won't be in it!"

"And what does a smart, pretty author like you do?" Matt questioned. 

"Panic?"

"Try rebel, genius," Yolei snorted. "Just do your stupid show and worry about Takato and the tamers later."

Lia nodded, still depressed, and hopped up into her chair. 

"And we're live in five…four…three…two…"

"This is Lia Agianna, and welcome to Week Fourteen of the Weekly Digimon Report. Well, the season is indeed winding down, and episodes forty-five and forty-six were up at bat. Speaking of bat, let's get right to the episode recap with the terror that flaps in the night, our very own Batpig, Patamon."

"Thanks, Lia. Well, Davis and the others got Ken back safely, and then we had a huge one-episode fight with Daemon, who promised he'd come back, which is virtually impossible because like everyone's said, the season's just about over. Anyway, Ken's parents found out about Wormmon, and unlike the Izumi family, didn't really make a fuss over it. See, I told you Ken was a Mini-Matt!"

Matt and Ken glowered in identical stances. 

"Yeah, so Owikawa and the Digimon Team Rocket hide out, only to find Black Wargreymon's back. The real Wargreymon (accept no substitutions) got busy smacking the tar out of him, while the rest of us chased Owikawa. Meanwhile, all those little kids started turning evil. Ooh! This is Batpig, signing off. To the Batpigmobile…hey wait, you devolved Wizardmon! Now I don't have a Dead Wonder!"

"And for that, I'm grateful," Demidevimon sighed. 

"Thanks, Pata. Before we do the usual analysis, I've got a few announcements. One: The Sorato Contest is still open, and if the deadline of next Saturday is too soon, I can extend it. And if you, like Flower Cannon, can't post it here then email it to me and I'll accept it like that. Second: Yes, the season is almost over and that means it's almost the end of these reports. It's been a pleasure to do them. But don't think I'm not writing anymore. Hell no! As long as there are dubbers to annoy, anime to watch, and Sorato to defend, I'm there! And now, onto Gatomon for our analysis."

Gatomon was about to start her spiel when Shadowmon jumped onto the desk.

"Hold on, Gato-cat. Lemme just do this, Sistah, and then you've got the floor. This one's going out to Lia and her cohorts. Friends, readers, Digidestined, lend me your ears! On this day, May 5, 2001, your cries for Sorato have been answered. We have witnessed the end of Yamato's suffering! We have witnessed the end of his oppression! We have witnessed the end of Jun's perverted stalking forever! Lemme hear you say hallelujah brothers and sisters!"

Izzy cued up Mendel's Hallelujah Chorus over the PE system, and Sorato fans everywhere cheered. 

Gatomon looked at her kitten counterpart darkly. "Sure, steal my thunder. Now what am I going to talk about, huh? Nimoy and Buchholz haven't done the English scripts in a while so they haven't sucked enough to complain about! I mean, the cheap lousy fight with Daemon should've taken longer, but that's not much to go on. Oh, here's something we can use. Why did Tai get the spotlight again? What is with that household? If it's not one Kamiya, it's the other! We're a cast of twelve kids and twelve digimon, can we focus on someone else besides Tai and Kari for a change? Like the other older kids! Where were they? Matt, Joe, Izzy, and Sora showed up for half a second, not counting the Almighty Sorato Moment. And why are those little kids so creepy? They frighten me! And if Myotismon in one form or another gets to come back, then WHY NOT WIZARDMON?! I WANT MY BOYFRIEND!" 

"Okay…um, yeah. Thanks, Gatomon. This is Lia Agianna, reminding you to beware strange guys with price-checkers from Stop and Shop. See ya in a week!"

Lia headed off to her office to watch more _Fushigi Yugi, _and right when it was getting to the part when Hotohori explained the Seven Stars of Suzaku Shadowmon and Demidevimon came flying into the room at breakneck speed. 

"There's something majorly wrong with the others! Willis and Nicki are fine, but the rest of the gang is seriously messed up!"

"Dammit, always during my shows," Lia muttered. 

"I don't think you wanna see this, Boss. It's gonna make you pass out, I know now."

"Demi, I don't care. Those are my friends, archrivals, and boyfriend. Aurelia Elizabeth Agianna does not desert her…OH SWEET MOTHER OF ISHIDA!"

The twelve 02 kids glanced up at Lia, and she, as Demidevimon predicted, passed out. 

That was a weird dream. I thought I walked into the room after doing a report and everyone had turning into their 2027 selves. Ha, what a stupid thought. 

"Lia? Hey, come on, get up."

"Matt, that's not going to do anything. Like this!" Yolei smacked her across the cheek, causing her to bolt upright. 

"What the hell was that for?! Who do you think you…ACK! IT WASN'T A DREAM!" 

Yes, the 02 folk are in their forty-year-old 2027 forms. And it's downright scary. 

"This sucks. This really, really sucks," Tai grumbled, poking his now-short hair. 

If you haven't seen these pictures, I advise you to see them now or be very afraid in two weeks when the episode comes out in America. My poor bishies!

"Guess who came for a visit while you were reading your movie?" Mimi asked, annoyed. 

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" 

"I think I can figure this out." Nimoy and Buchholz jumped from the rafters, and smirked at the gang.

"Since we haven't been dubbing things lately, and Tentomon hasn't been around, we've had plenty of time to figure out ways to eliminate you, Author."

"So we created these devices that did _that _to your little friends, because we all know how freaked-out you get, Author."

"Forty-year-old astronaut with a wife and two kids…Nimoy! Buchholz! You will pay for tampering with this! In the name of Digimon and all that is sacred, I will punish you!" 

"Not this time, Author. Your story ends here."

~*~

**Well whaddya know? They were right. Will the Digidestined go back to being their proper ages before Lia has a mental breakdown? Will Nimoy and Buchholz EVER be stopped? Find out next week, on the Weekly Digimon Report, with Lia Agianna! **


	13. 

The Weekly Digimon Report

The Weekly Digimon Report

Please take your belongings and exit to the right.

The twelve 2027 Digidestined cowered in fear before the evil Nimoy and Buchholz. Matt, Tai, Davis and Ken, being the leaders of their respective seasons, stood protectively in front of the others. 

"Get out of my way, fools! You have no idea who you are up against!" Nimoy cried, veins in his neck and forehead bulging. 

"Right, like we're going to move. I'm so sure of that," Davis taunted. 

"Shut up, Noodle Boy!" Buchholz added. 

"Tai, where are Lia, Nicki, and Willis?" Matt whispered, glancing around nervously. 

"They probably got out of here. Maybe we should get the others out too."

"You come one step closer and I'll…" Ken threatened. 

"You'll what? Stupid little cartoons, you cannot win!" 

Just then an arrow whizzed through the air with a sharp whistle, lodging through Buchholz's gut. He clutched the arrow and started staggering around overdramatically. 

"Oh! I'm hurt! I'm sped! I'm worm meat!"

"What? Where'd that arrow come from?" Nimoy cried. A spotlight came up from the rigging as a teenage girl notched another arrow to her bow. 

"Guess who's been taking archery in gym?" she asked slyly, pulling back the string. 

"Lia! Get out of here, now!" Matt cried. Lia and Demidevimon jumped down to the floor, fury burning in their eyes. 

"Welcome to the Weekly Digimon Report, Week Fifteen. Today we destroy Nimoy and Buchholz!"

"Lia, please, go!"

Nimoy threw his hand back, somehow psychically knocking the four strongest Destined back into the others. 

"Wild Fury!"

"Gatling Arm!"

Leonaramon, Galgomon, and Wendimon (along with Nicki and Willis) appeared from the side doors. 

"Need a hand or two?"

"No! Nicki, run, it's too dangerous!" Izzy hollered. 

Suddenly the Tuxedo Mask intro music cued up from the sound booth. 

"I'll hold these two off, get to the show, and get back here!"

"Huh?" came the cry from the general audience. Boss Reo and his Lemon Scythe vaulted over Camera One and into the melee. 

"Hey Reo, nice timing…where's my Batpig piece?"

"Worry about that later, Lia. Just get a move on!"

"Right!"

~*~

"Okay, here we are with two new episodes, and we're getting down to the end of season two. Willis, a review, and make it snappy!"

"Right! Nuriko, one of Oikawa's kids, had her Dark Flower bloom, which made Oikawa more powerful and more evil, too! Black Wargreymon came to try and stop him but was gravely injured. In a heroic last effort, he used his body to close the Digital Gate at Highton View Terrace. Meanwhile, we learned that Oikawa was a good friend of Cody's dad. And as the kids continued to watch the children implanted with Dark Spores, Oikawa opened a digiport with Myotismon's old gate-opener. He and the kids went through, and the younger set followed. Joe, Matt, and Izzy tried to stop them but to no avail. It was then, in some strange dimension like Limbo, we find that Oikawa was really being the host for Myotismon the whole time, and Myotismon himself came back, but as Malomyotismon! And he destroyed Archnemon and Mummymon too!" 

"Thanks, Willis. Nicki, an analysis, stat!"

"Coming right up! Other than the fact that Matt was spouting love mush about Sora, Oikawa's little rhyme song sucked, and Malomyotismon should've been called Belialmyotismon, there's nothing to rant about because the episodes have suddenly gotten better ever since Nimoy and Buchholz got the boot."

"Yeah! On a quick side note, yes, next week is the last episode of these reports. But don't worry; we'll keep broadcasting _something _to pass the time. Oh! And my Sorato contest deadline is extended to June 1st, instead of today. This has been the Weekly Digimon Report with Lia Agianna. Now if you'll excuse me, my boyfriend is in life-threatening peril. Demidevimon, let's get to work!"

~*~

"Demidevimon, digivolve to…Wizardmon!"

"Magical Game!"

"Wild Fury!"

"Gatling Arm!"

"Matt, we have to get Wargreymon and Metalgarurumon!" Tai shouted. 

"I know, but I can't move! It's like Nimoy is controlling us somehow."

"Impossible!"

"FEAR ME, DIGIDESTINED!"

Nimoy turned, a satanic grin on his face. Buchholz was still staggering around with an arrow through him. Suddenly there was a bright light, and when it dulled Nimoy had become…

(Dramatic, no?"

MYOTISMON! 

"Accept no substitutions! Ha!" 

"Great, we get to go at it again. I'm not scared. Bring it on!" Wizardmon hissed. 

"Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea how many times he tried to kill you? He'll do it again!" Gatomon shrieked. 

"We have to stop this!" Nicki yelled over the din. 

"An idea would be useful!" Mimi cried back. 

"STOP THIS, NOW!" a host of voices cried. Everything stopped. Reo stood still with his Lemon Scythe high over his head, Lia was back in her army gear, finger raised in command as Digidestined from everywhere and anyone and everyone who supported the show rose up against the forces of darkness. 

A group of children appeared through a digiport, solemnity on their faces. 

"Don't touch our parents," one said. 

"Is that…?" Sora started to say.

"Our kids?" Kari added.

"From the future?" Joe questioned. 

"We can only stay for a little while, but we've come with a warning to you, Myotismon," the Ichijouji/Inoue daughter stated. 

"You have no control over what happens in this world," the Ishida/Takenouchi daughter added. 

**None of them have names! At least, I don't think they do. **

"That's right! This is a dimension of the Digital World owned by a fifteen-year-old from Massachusetts who has complete control over our actions. Everything you see before you is a product of her imagination," the Kido boy mentioned. 

"So our parents can still kick your butt!" the Motomiya clone cried. 

"Let's do it! Digidestined, let's go!" Lia hollered, her digivice glowing white-hot. Suddenly there was an explosion and the 2027 adults were back to 02 kids. Their children had vanished, leaving nothing but confusion in their wake. 

"For the Digital World, and for oppressed anime everywhere!" Reo added, swinging the scythe fiercely. 

Every digimon present digivolved as high as allowed, and suddenly Myotismon felt very outnumbered. 

"If I die, I'm taking _her _with me!" he hollered, grabbing Lia. "Crimson Lightning!"

"NO!" Matt shrieked. 

(More Suspense!)

There was a strangled, gurgling noise, and everyone present had turned away or covered their eyes. Matt was in hysterics, sobbing and howling like no man can. Nicki was the first to turn her head, and shouted in surprise. 

"You guys! My God, you won't believe it! She did it! She did it!" 

The general audience gasped, turning quickly. Lia came down the hallway shaking, blood soaked, and breathing heavily. 

"I don't want to even go there," she said, pitching forward. Matt and Joe caught her and laid her down on the linoleum.

"So does this mean…?" Cody whispered. 

"She destroyed Jeff Nimoy?" Yolei murmured. 

Reo walked in after Lia, his Lemon Scythe dripping with gore. 

"All I have to say is, Flower Cannon, play that funky music, girl!"

Flower Cannon and Grace Musica were in the sound booth and jacked the volume high. Tinny voices started pouring from the speakers. 

Ding-dong, the witch is dead. Which old witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding-dong, the Wicked Witch is dead!

"Very appropriate music, ladies," Gomamon cried, donning the APT glasses. 

"So the battle with Nimoy is over?" Biyomon asked. 

"Yeah. C'mon, we'll let Lia rest and have a party later. She deserves a nap after all of this," Wizardmon said. 

"Right."

~*~

And thus ends the battle with Nimoy. Next week, we'll have a big ol' party to celebrate the end of the season and Nimoy's tyranny. Cake and ice cream for everybody that reviews!!! 

And a kiss from a bishy, too! 


	14. Default Chapter

The Weekly Digimon Report

The Weekly Digimon Report

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

The Digidestined were busily setting up the newsroom for the humongous party they had planned for the end of the season. That is, most of the Digidestined. Willis had run off with a bottle of butterscotch sauce and Boss Reo, and nobody had seen Lia for most of the day. 

"She's probably off in hysterics somewhere," Yolei sighed, inflating another balloon. Biyomon and the other air-fairing digimon were hanging crepe paper streamers overhead, and the others were getting in the way in the kitchen.

"Give her another five minutes. If she doesn't show up by then, I'll go find her," Matt said, smacking a dish of ice cream out of Gabumon's hands (or paws). 

"Here I am. Sorry I'm late, you guys, my dad made me go mow the lawn," Lia murmured, trudging into the room. 

**And those of you who know me best know how evil that lawn is, right Nicki?**

"Are you going to be all right?" Wizardmon asked, putting an arm around her shoulder. Lia was already crying, and I, her human counterpart, am crying as I write this. 

"I think so. Welcome to the Weekly Digimon Report, Week Sixteen. This will be the last episode of the reports for a while, but I promise I'll try and keep something going weekly over the summer. You all know how bad I am at continuing long-term stories. Hell, I'm considering dumping _Paths of Destiny _because I got bored with it. Anyway, this weekend was the last two episodes of season two, and our final goodbye to the twelve people I love more than anything else. Yolei, take the recap while I find a box of tissues."

"Sure. Malomyotismon cast a spell on us so we would get distracted by things we wanted in life more than anything, like for T.K. not to have a broken home or Cody to be with his dad. Davis snapped us back into reality though, and there was huge clash with Malomyotismon. We broke through to the Digital World, where he suddenly became more powerful. The Digidestined from all over the world combined their power to help stop him, and even the kids with the Dark Spores. They got their very own digimon partner and as one big team we defeated that darkness. Oikawa died in Cody's arms, well, he turned into butterflies but technically he died, only after meeting his own digimon partner. Gatomon got her tail ring back and everything seemed to be good once again. The show ended with the glimpse of us in the future and ads for Digimon Tamers."

Nicki hopped into Lia's chair. "Um, Lia's having a meltdown so I'll take over for a minute. Let's go to Cody with an analysis of the whole thing. Cody?"

"Thanks Nicki. Well, the whole digivolution thing was really, really confusing in the first episode, and it was hard to figure out what was going on. Second, having our eyes glaze over like that was scary as hell. Lia kept shouting during the commercials 'T.K.'s eyes are glazed over, he's dead!' Palmon and Gennai's voices were changed ever so slightly, which was kind of weird. But one of the highlights of dub slip is that when the show cut back to the real world with the older kids, both Kido brothers, Jim and Shuu, were standing next to each other. We were trying to figure out how the dubbers were going to deal with that, and they didn't even go there. That's probably a good thing. We were also surprised at how even though they didn't mention it in the Japanese version (or not to our knowledge) the whole Sorato implication in the 2027 part was still very subtle. Matt's son sounded like a girl. And Mimi? I thought her kid was a boy! Wow! Um, I think that's everything. Let's go now to the Weekly Digimon Report's End of Season Spectacular, with your host, Lia Agianna!"

Lia had calmed down by now, and was sitting on a couch with the rest of the cast, Nicki and Cody joining after the cameras were off them. Reo, with Willis on his lap, sat on the armchair. Even Terri-Lei O'Malley and the replacements of the deceased Nimoy and Buchholz (remember, we killed them last weekend) were munching on cake. 

"Welcome to the End of Season Spectacular. I'm Lia Agianna. I have to say, out of the whole hour-long-special, my favorite line this week had to come from Cody's daughter."

Tech workers in the sound booth cued up the line. "Dad, can I sue if I get tagged It?"

"The new dubbers that finished the season made the last several episodes enjoyable for the entire audience, with just the right amount of corny jokes tossed in. And Malomyotismon, that Gundam Mech of a monster, got his just desserts in a fitting way too, although my pal Destiny can argue this was all a plot of Devimon. Right Sherman?"

"So…just what are we going to do this summer while we wait for Tamers?" Tai asked. 

"Are you even going to watch Tamers?" Sora added. 

"I don't know. I refuse to look up anything about them on the Internet, like I did with most of 02. In the meantime, I have a few projects I can finish out here. Don't worry, I'll keep the new stuff coming. New stuff _minus the Tamers."_

"Lia, what are you talking about, girl?" Reo asked. 

Lia pulled out a pot of war paint, a camouflage bandanna, and a shotgun. "Oh, I may have a little project I'd like to start right now regarding this shotgun and those 03 sprites. In the meantime, PARTY!"

"AUSTIN POWERS TRIO, AWAY!" Shadowmon hollered, diving for the cake. 

"Get back here you little ball of trouble before I use you as a soccer ball!" Nicki yelled. 

"Friday night sound good for another little date, Lia?" Matt asked. 

"Um…yeah. But be warned, my dad got another set of dating rules. His new favorite line: 'I've got a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Don't trifle with me.'"

Matt gulped. 

"To the Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!" Patamon cheered. 

"Wait, why didn't I ever get mentioned? We were fighting Myotismon!" Wizardmon shouted. 

Suddenly an alarm went off in the building. Terri-Lei glanced at her new dubbers. 

"What's that?" she asked. 

"That? Um, I think it's the 'new evil villain' alert we installed last week," Seth Walther replied. 

"Digidestined, let's go!" Tai and Davis shouted.

"Wait, what are we going to do with all this cake and ice cream?!" Terriermon asked. 

"Deal with it later! Lock and load!" Reo cried. 

And so, Lia and her band of Digidestined headed off to annoy more evil villains and do stuff…including a hostile takeover of Toei Animation for getting rid of the twelve 01 and 02 Digidestined. 

"This has been the Weekly Digimon Report with Lia Agianna. I don't know what'll be posted next week, so I'll see you all soon! Thanks for everything, you guys. You've been the best."

~*~

And I'm serious. Make me happy, because I seriously have been crying for the past few hours. Send me a review, just one little review. Sorato contest continues, so keep those entries coming! And as for 02, it lives forever in Lia-Land because I refuse to accept Takato, Ruki, and Lee. YAMATO FOREVER! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

**_You never should have had that frosting, Lia. You've gone insane. _**


End file.
